Too Fast?

The last week has brought with it an unexpected possibility for our little family. I can't really reveal too much about it-- too much is still unknown. And it's a long shot-- a very, very long shot.

But it's not inconceivable. And it's not really my possibility.

Through the excitedment about this little what-if, I've had to wrestle with the extraordinary anxiety of, 'yes, what if?'.

It's still a very far off possibility-- many, many things would have to perfectly align for it to come to be. Some of those things already have, but their are many, many more to go.

Yet the possibility of the what if coming to be scares me. It's not what we had planned at all.

When we decided to get married 6 (!) years ago, we decided first to go to grad school together. That plan eventually meant me leaving my happy little valley university for the land of corn. It was a trade up, in terms of prestige, but was still a trade. We've talked about what happens next, but the job market has always been this big looming thing in the distance. It has been the thing that has caused me increasing anxiety.

After all, when we decided to get married 6 years ago, I still wasn't sure. I thought that I wanted the PhD, but I wasn't sure. I could be, I thought, just as happy doing something else. The last 2 or 3 years have changed my perspective a bit--I published an article, did a conference presentation, passed my fields, and started to realize that I not only wanted a job, I wanted a job that would allow me to continue researching.

There's no telling what will happen. Perhaps nothing at all. But if something were to come of this possibility, it turns all of our plans about the future on their end. J thinks about things one step at a time, but I rush forward to the bigger things that would happen if the what if comes to pass. What it might mean for my career.

It would be amazing for us for this opportunity to happen. I'm just not sure how it would affect me.