I could say that the biggest challenge was 3 months of morning sickness. I could say that it was being pregnant for a full 40 weeks. Or dealing with a three year old.
But the biggest challenge of 2009 has been dealing with the hand I've been dealt. That hand, it seems, does not include a) a job as a professor or b) a new Camaro.
We decided to have another baby last year when it was clear I wouldn't be getting a job, and for the last year I thought I was doing quite a good job of getting over that fact and mourning the career that should have been.
And it really, really should have been. I have a great project, multiple publications, and teaching awards. In a real market, I should get interviews. I should get offers.
That, it seems is not to be.
There's still the outside chance that I'll creep in through the back door. That J will somehow wrangle me into something when he negotiates his offer.
It's just not the same, though. I've never wanted to ride on anyone's coattails. I've never wanted anything handed to me, and I've worked my ass off these last eight years to be good at what I do--good enough that I should be hire-able.
I'd make a damn good professor.
J has 6 interviews already this December, and with each call he gets I realize more and more that I didn't really mourn completely, that I didn't really finish dealing with this. I want to be excited for him--I am excited for him--but every time he gets another interview, my stomach sinks and I feel like curling up into a ball and crying.
Apparently, I am not as ok with the whole situation as I thought. Apparently, I was just distracted by morning sickness, 40 weeks of pregnancy, a dissertation defense, and an increasingly whiny 3- year-old.
Apparently, this is an on-going challenge. One that doesn't seem to have any end in sight.
The problem is that I'm a planner. I decide what I want; I figure out how to get it; I make a bunch of lists and a bunch of plans; I follow through. It's what I do. I'm really not good at dealing with failing.
The biggest challenge of 2009 is to re-envision my future and who I am. It's not been going so well the last month or so.
18 comments:
I don't even know where to start... there are so many contours to explore about the topic of why academia is brutal to too many of the brightest people who are devoted to it. It's terrible, this challenge.
I hope it twists into a heretofore un-envisioned opportunity for you.
There's a lot of that going on in my house too. But in my case, I have to watch helplessly as what you describe here nearly breaks my husband. I hope with all my heart that u both find a path thru this forest. xoxo
よく「彼氏いるでしょ～？」って言われるけど、イナイよσ(‾^‾)トモダチ集めてホームパーティーなんかしたりするのがマイブームでして♪♪好きな人ができてもハズかしくて告れない…(>_< )しゅりのココロをゲットしてぇ～☆コドモっぽい性格だから年上でお兄ちゃんみたいな人がタイプだよ(*^m^*) h-13-i-12@docomo.ne.jp
全国から出会いを求めて女の子達が多数登録！無料自由参加型の出会いコミュニティ
遂に復活!!スタービーチで素敵なであいをお楽しみ下さい
今や女の子のオナニーは常識。しかもお金を払って実際にオナニーを見てもらい、恥ずかしがるのや褒められるのが興奮のツボ！そんな彼女達とオナメールやHなことしてみませんか
誰でも楽しめるモバゲーの新感覚コミュニティー！ネットでもうひとつの生活を始めませんか
セレブラブなリッチセレブリティ達のアダルトコミュニティーサイト！お金と時間に優雅なセレブ女性達はアダルトコミュで男性との秘密交際を楽しんでいるのです
変わってるって言われるけどわりといい人だよ（笑）！！お笑い好きな人だったら話盛り上がりそうだねＯ(≧▽≦)Ｏ 色んなことに興味深々でおっちょこちょいだからそばで支えてくれる人募集中σ(゜-^*)自分の年齢的に年下の男の子はアウトだからごめんね(*_ _)人 u-3-ummm52@docomo.ne.jp
満を持してのスタービーチ復活劇！！ここから刻まれる、新たな一コマ。スタービーチがあなたの歴史を生み出します
【緊急】突如として消えたスタービーチが復活！長い年月をかけて不死鳥の如く蘇ったスタビをお楽しみください【緊急】
最近の不景気は、今一度自分の人生を見直すのに良い時期が来てます。こんな時代だからこそ人生の値段チェッカーで、人生の勝ち組に成る為のアドバイスを貰いませんか？ぱっと思い立った時こそ人生の分かれ道ですよ
今年も桜の季節に三冠レースの初戦が始まります。このレースで勝ち馬券を当てて、次のオークスに続ける為の、験担ぎの意味も込めて桜花賞必勝の情報を手に入れよう
モバゲーより遊べるスタービーチ！ここで自分好みの女の子を探してGETしちゃおう
新しくなったスタービーチは新しいであいのカタチを提案します★ あなたに出逢いたい人がここにいます
I just stumbled on this blog and never leave comments places, but I just was so happy to find this. It sounds almost exactly like my situation... pregnant (with a full dose of on-going morning sickness), an almost three year old, a dissertation defense looming in the next month, a cross-country move with two cats and a dog...and here's the kicker...I decided to have a baby when it had become clear that I wasn't going to get a job this year. Then, out of the blue (and a couple months after I had written off the job thanks to insider information) I got a call and a job offer at my DREAM school (we're moving home to the West Coast!, but my partner is giving up his tenure-tracked job to do so)...of course I found out I was pregnant a week later...so, now I have it "all" and am about to lose my mind :)... I just had to say how much I enjoyed your post because it's nice to know there are other people out there who can understand this situation!
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