17 February 2009

That Ain't No Etch-a-Sketch, Homeskillet

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

No job prospects, stuck in the middle of the prairie for another year, and pretty disillusioned with the whole of academe, it seemed like a good idea.

I thought I remembered. I really did. I wrote down how awful it was last time. I read those journals. I really, really thought I remembered how much I really, really, do not like being pregnant.

I do not identify with those glowingly-rotund pregnant ladies who wax poetic about the mystical wonder that is pregnancy and childbirth. I wish I did, but I don't have time to wax anything. I'm spending far too much time trying to keep my food down or throwing it up.

I think it's worse this time. It's definitely harder, because this is a different kind of pregnancy. When we decided to have the first one, it was because I was convinced that my body was telling me that I needed to have a child. I yearned to have a child. I wanted to be pregnant and fat and round and then have a sweet little baby of my own.

This time, I am not so anxious nor am I so naive. I know what's coming ahead. I know that feeling the baby kick will be cute for all of 10 minutes, and then it will just get irritating. I know that the third trimester will just be uncomfortable and sleepless. I know exactly what happens during labor (although, I've gotta say, I'm getting kind of worried, because I also thought I remembered what it was like to be pregnant). And, I know that when that sweet little bundle of milk-breath finally makes his or her appearance, those first 6 weeks or so are just plain hell. Not that I even pretend to remember them-- we were far too sleep deprived.

But I think the worst part is that I kind of feel bad for this kid already. With X, I was soo excited. I took pictures of my growing belly. I kept a pregnancy journal for the baby. I anxiously read about each moment of his development.

This time-- not so much. I don't know why that is, though. I'm excited enough, I guess, but this pregnancy just seems different. It was planned very differently than the last one. Maybe it's because I felt like X was for me and this one is for him. I'd probably be perfectly happy to just have one kid, but I believe in siblings. I wanted to give one to him.

It's not that I don't want the baby-- lord knows after one miscarriage scare I was a wreck--but it's a different kind of want. And I wonder if there is something wrong with that.

If I could just concentrate on something for more than 10 minutes, maybe I could figure it out. Then again, if I could concentrate on something for more than 10 minutes, I'd start figuring out a way to grow babies on the counter like a Sea Monkey. I mean, according to the one book I have, at this point, they look pretty much the same.


Mrs. Chicken said...

Oh, yeah. It IS different. Waaaay different.

BUT. Now that no. 2 is out and six months old, that mamalove is just as strong the second time around.

I am happy for you, friend.

AcadeMama said...

Yes, the 2nd time is different--in lots of really good ways! You're not a nervous wreck, you don't spend every waking moment analyzing every little thump in your belly, and you know the difference betwee gas pain and serious labor contractions. This is good, yes?

Not recording every second of your pregnancy doesn't mean this pregnancy isn't important; it means you've got the hang of it. Neither child will ever know the difference, I promise you. As Mrs. Chicken said, the love doesn't change. Period. Ever. If anything, it gets bigger, stronger, deeper because you see these two little people learning about each other, loving each other (usually), and figuring out the world together.

And yes, sometimes the birth experience changes, but hey, that's just life giving you some variety ;) At least the second time around, you know what works and what doesn't for you doing labor. You're more willing to be your own advocate and tell people what you need or want.

The one thing you should know about the 2nd time around? If you breastfeed, the contractions that happen during nursing sessions can be like a second labor! Maybe I'm a total pansy, but they had me begging for more drugs. The nurse told me it was normal, and it gets worse with each child you have...Guess I didn't learn anything..as I sit here pregnant with #3.

Sorry to hijack comments; I just wanted to say that different can be good, different can, maybe should, be something you don't feel at all guilty about.

LD said...

It's good to know it will get better :) I'll take your word for it-- and I'm totally impressed with #3, because this is IT

AcadeMama said...

Oh, and BTW, I heart the Juno references!! The store clerk was the funniest damn character (except for Juno herself) in the movie :)

LD said...

I know! I love that line. I wanted to just send my family a clip of that line to announce the pregnancy, but I wasn't sure if anyone else had seen the movie.

Rayne of Terror said...

I totally told my neighbors, "If I fail the bar exam twice it will time to get pregnant."

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