It's 1 AM and I've just finished typing out one-half of a two-part chapter. The other half is probably 2/3 done, but it's that last third that's going to kill me. It's been a rough, rough week. There's been a lot of cursing at the computer--
But the difficulty I've had just getting coherent thoughts onto paper has been made worse by the fact that I feel as though I am a horrible mother. I think my kid sees more of the daycare lady than he sees of me, and for the last week, when he's seen me, my nerves have been shot from cursing at the computer.
I know I'm not the first person in the world to worry about how successful the whole balance between work and family is going, but I also get the feeling that he's getting so big...and I'm missing it. It's summer, and I was planning on keeping him home for a day every so often. I haven't done that once. Not one single time.
Sure, I've had to teach a class and work on this god-awful dissertation, but in the end, I wonder if it will be worth it.
Do you ever get to figure that out?
4 comments:
I don't know, but do I ever hear you.
Did you ever feel like you were missing something because I worked? M doesn't really understand the concept of time yet it really isn't hurting him. When he is with you he gets quality time and all he knows is that you are his momma and you and J are the center of his whole universe. Give yourself a break you are a fantastic mother and doing a super job raising him.
People get upset, mad etc it is part of life and this little section of time won't be the last time in his life he sees you upset or tense. I promise it won't mark him for life. Just give him a smile and hug and kiss. That's all he needs to know you love him .
and that this too shall pass !
YOU SPEND MORE TIME WITH MAX THAN I SPENT WITH YOU. YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS AWAY FROM HOME 8HRS A DAY WHEN HE IS ACTIVE LIKE I WAS WITH YOU DO NOT WORRY ENJOY WHO YOU HAVE.
DAD
no- I never felt that. But I feel like my work is different. Harder to put away when I should. It's not over when my class is dismissed or even when I close the book. It's too much who I am, so my minds keeps racing--plotting the logic of my argument, thinking about how to fit this other idea into the chapter, wondering what the work as a whole will be if I do--when I should be with him. There's so much riding on this fall-- it's just hard to turn it all off.
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